Hey this weekend I will be joke telling at Ridley's Comedy Castle in Royal Oak , Michigan. If you come out I promise that you will be throughly disappointed.
www.comedycastle.com 269 EAST FOURTH STREET • ROYAL OAK MICHIGAN 48067 • 248-542-9900
About Me
- Bill
- Bill Squire is a Comedian. He knew he wanted to be a comedian when at age 6 he fell out of a plastic swimming pool and broke his arm. It got a huge laugh. Since then Bill has experienced many more injuries both physical and emotional that have made him the comedian he is today.
Monday, December 31, 2007
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Friday, December 7, 2007
Don’t take the Christ out of X-mas.
Don’t take the Christ out of X-mas.
I hate when people are like “Keep the Christ in Christmas or Christmas is too commercial.” Shut up you Charlie Brown watching no fun having bag o’ douche.
The only good part of Christmas is being greedy and materialistic.
You wanna worship the birth of our lord then be my guest but I am drinking eggnog and watching creepy clay-mation Christmas specials from the 60’s about a red nosed reindeer that flies and helps elf’s follow their dreams of becoming dentists that will probably end up telling some handsome male elf he needs a root canal and once he puts he gives him the anesthesia he molests him because if Hermey had a hard time telling people he wanted to be a dentist there is no way he is going to be able to admit he is gay. So he just molests all of his male patients. He gets away with it for years too and when he is finally caught there is nothing they can do because it is the North Pole and their isn’t a government and therefore no rules. He does end up on Santa’s naughty list, which is fine by him because he uses the lump of coal as a butt plug.
I do not support the distribution of misfit toys though. All the kids that get the misfit toys are going to think Santa has to shop at Marshall’s. What dick move by Santa. “Hey kids here’s a train with square wheels, maybe you can push it around the hard wood floors and scratch the shit out of them and hope your father doesn’t beat you with his belt buckle.”
I hate when people are like “Keep the Christ in Christmas or Christmas is too commercial.” Shut up you Charlie Brown watching no fun having bag o’ douche.
The only good part of Christmas is being greedy and materialistic.
You wanna worship the birth of our lord then be my guest but I am drinking eggnog and watching creepy clay-mation Christmas specials from the 60’s about a red nosed reindeer that flies and helps elf’s follow their dreams of becoming dentists that will probably end up telling some handsome male elf he needs a root canal and once he puts he gives him the anesthesia he molests him because if Hermey had a hard time telling people he wanted to be a dentist there is no way he is going to be able to admit he is gay. So he just molests all of his male patients. He gets away with it for years too and when he is finally caught there is nothing they can do because it is the North Pole and their isn’t a government and therefore no rules. He does end up on Santa’s naughty list, which is fine by him because he uses the lump of coal as a butt plug.
I do not support the distribution of misfit toys though. All the kids that get the misfit toys are going to think Santa has to shop at Marshall’s. What dick move by Santa. “Hey kids here’s a train with square wheels, maybe you can push it around the hard wood floors and scratch the shit out of them and hope your father doesn’t beat you with his belt buckle.”
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Monday, November 12, 2007
The Writers Strike
Man doesn’t this writers strike suck? Well it doesn’t have to because now we can use our old friend imagination to keep our favorite characters busy. I think together we can all prove how worthless those writers are by making up our own stories for our favorite TV characters.
Lets start with The Office. This season Jim and Pam have finally hooked up and are falling in love. Michael is the same old Michael but intern Ryan is now his boss. So lets see what happens to our favorite office workers now that their lazy writers are on strike and I am bringing these Scrantonites to life.
In this episode Michael finds out that Barrack Obama is going to be in a near by Pennsylvania City so he makes everyone in the office go see him speak. Michael and Dwight make a banner out of a big white sheet that says “I’m an Obama guy.” Which Michael thinks is clever because of the Obama girl videos that were all over the Internet a few months earlier. When they arrive Michael is afraid that his banner won’t be seen so he starts climbing a building to get higher but is mistaken for a sniper and is shot with a tazer by a nearby security guard. He drops the sheet on Dwight and it covers him making him look like a member of the Ku Klux Klan. All of Barrack Obama’s followers are then overcome with white guilt and beat Dwight to death. The public blames the whole ordeal on Obama and that’s when the riots start and President Bush declares himself dictator for life. Ironically this is what turns the whole economy around and everyone ends up richer than they could ever imagine. Except the writers, because they were executed by the Hollywood execs once Bush changed the law to make it legal to murder anyone with less money than you. The End.
Lets start with The Office. This season Jim and Pam have finally hooked up and are falling in love. Michael is the same old Michael but intern Ryan is now his boss. So lets see what happens to our favorite office workers now that their lazy writers are on strike and I am bringing these Scrantonites to life.
In this episode Michael finds out that Barrack Obama is going to be in a near by Pennsylvania City so he makes everyone in the office go see him speak. Michael and Dwight make a banner out of a big white sheet that says “I’m an Obama guy.” Which Michael thinks is clever because of the Obama girl videos that were all over the Internet a few months earlier. When they arrive Michael is afraid that his banner won’t be seen so he starts climbing a building to get higher but is mistaken for a sniper and is shot with a tazer by a nearby security guard. He drops the sheet on Dwight and it covers him making him look like a member of the Ku Klux Klan. All of Barrack Obama’s followers are then overcome with white guilt and beat Dwight to death. The public blames the whole ordeal on Obama and that’s when the riots start and President Bush declares himself dictator for life. Ironically this is what turns the whole economy around and everyone ends up richer than they could ever imagine. Except the writers, because they were executed by the Hollywood execs once Bush changed the law to make it legal to murder anyone with less money than you. The End.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Morty's
Thank You to everyone that came out to Morty's. All the shows were great and I hope when I come back I have some repeat business. However I am sorry about the Colts losing while I was in town. The Browns did win which made me happy. I am headed back to NYC today. I have a show this weekend at COMIX. If I have any NYC fans or friends please come out to this.
Monday, October 29, 2007
"Dan in Real Life" was a movie
I went saw "Dan in Real Life" last night with my girlfriend Candra and my other friend Chad. Candra seemed to enjoy the movie but Chad and I tend to be a tad bit over critical. It had its moments but it was such a formula movie it didn't really wow me.
I had a bunch of funny comments I was going to make about it last night but I didn't write them down and now I got nothing. Movies are too expensive to see in theaters anymore anyway. It is almost $18 to get into the theater. With prices that high its like they are telling us to download them illegally.
I had a bunch of funny comments I was going to make about it last night but I didn't write them down and now I got nothing. Movies are too expensive to see in theaters anymore anyway. It is almost $18 to get into the theater. With prices that high its like they are telling us to download them illegally.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
When you are 5.
You just hope and hope it rains candy and are always waiting for grown ups to sing and dance like they do on tv and in movies.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
The Cleveland Improv
This week I will be performing at the Cleveland Improv. This is my home club and it is one of my favorite places to perform because you never know what is going to happen.
Here are my top three favorite moments working at the Cleveland Improv
#3. When I was working the door there the MC wasn't around to bring up the headliner so I had to run on stage and introduce the Headliner. I asked everyone if they all liked their seats. They didn't even notice I wasn't the regular MC.
#2. April Fools Day I was working with Robert Kelly and he played a trick on me telling me that he was asking that the feature be fired and I do his time. The feature was my good friend Ryan Dalton and I was sad that these 2 were fighting but stage time is stage time. They pulled one over on me.
#1. As an MC at the end of most shows there is a give away for free dinner at the Improv. One show I was in the bathroom on the toilet and two patrons came into the bathroom and were trashing all the comics on the show including me. So I wiped my little bottom and rushed out to get a look at these guys. I then asked their server to give me their prize card so I could announce them as the winners. I did just that and when they stood up to claim their prize I was like "Wait you were the guys saying that this show sucks." and I ripped up their card and gave the free dinner to a nice couple in the front row. Everyone thought it was hilarious.
Here are my top three favorite moments working at the Cleveland Improv
#3. When I was working the door there the MC wasn't around to bring up the headliner so I had to run on stage and introduce the Headliner. I asked everyone if they all liked their seats. They didn't even notice I wasn't the regular MC.
#2. April Fools Day I was working with Robert Kelly and he played a trick on me telling me that he was asking that the feature be fired and I do his time. The feature was my good friend Ryan Dalton and I was sad that these 2 were fighting but stage time is stage time. They pulled one over on me.
#1. As an MC at the end of most shows there is a give away for free dinner at the Improv. One show I was in the bathroom on the toilet and two patrons came into the bathroom and were trashing all the comics on the show including me. So I wiped my little bottom and rushed out to get a look at these guys. I then asked their server to give me their prize card so I could announce them as the winners. I did just that and when they stood up to claim their prize I was like "Wait you were the guys saying that this show sucks." and I ripped up their card and gave the free dinner to a nice couple in the front row. Everyone thought it was hilarious.
Monday, October 15, 2007
COMIX Nov 10th
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Way to not die.
So this week I have been in Ohio because I was performing in Youngstown Friday and Saturday. The Shows were good and I got to work with Joe Starr who is a great old school comic. He is a classic and if he is in your town go see him you will enjoy it.
On the way home from Youngstown last night I was in a little bit of an accident. I wasn't hurt but my car is pretty messed up. I swerved to avoid a deer and jumped the median and ended up in a ditch on the other side of the highway. I was lucky I didn't hit another on coming car. It all happened quite fast and I am glad to be ok. I would like to go find that deer and punch it in the face. What an ass he was. Just standing there like an idiot waiting to mess up my night.
I am a lil soar in my lower back because I did get airborne but it will make Doug happy to know that my legs hurt way more from our work out session on Friday than my back does from my near collision on Saturday.
On the way home from Youngstown last night I was in a little bit of an accident. I wasn't hurt but my car is pretty messed up. I swerved to avoid a deer and jumped the median and ended up in a ditch on the other side of the highway. I was lucky I didn't hit another on coming car. It all happened quite fast and I am glad to be ok. I would like to go find that deer and punch it in the face. What an ass he was. Just standing there like an idiot waiting to mess up my night.
I am a lil soar in my lower back because I did get airborne but it will make Doug happy to know that my legs hurt way more from our work out session on Friday than my back does from my near collision on Saturday.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Roomies
Roomies is a lil series my roommates and I are filming for fun. Watch the videos and let me know what you think. They are pretty short so you have time.
Episode 1
Episode 2
Episode 3
Episode 1
Episode 2
Episode 3
Sunday, October 7, 2007
Chicopee
The Comedy Connection in Chicopee was a good time last night. Thanks to everyone that came out and to Robert Kelly for bringing me.
Saturday, October 6, 2007
Indians go up 2-0
The Indians won in dramatic fashion tonight. It was a great game to watch. In the eight inning the field became over run with lil bugs called "Canadian Soldiers". Canada, thanks for the bugs they helped us get the win.
Since there were bugs involved in the outcome of the game every sports writer in th country is trying to come up with funny bug related headlines.
So I am going to play along and make up my own Indians bug Yankees headlines.
"Indians summon the wrath of Bug God, beat Yankees in extra innings"
"Buggin Out: Yankees lose!"
"A bugged life: Yankees blow it."
"Canadian Soldiers finally win a battle"
I am sure there will be thousand more corny headlines.
Make up your own, its fun.
Since there were bugs involved in the outcome of the game every sports writer in th country is trying to come up with funny bug related headlines.
So I am going to play along and make up my own Indians bug Yankees headlines.
"Indians summon the wrath of Bug God, beat Yankees in extra innings"
"Buggin Out: Yankees lose!"
"A bugged life: Yankees blow it."
"Canadian Soldiers finally win a battle"
I am sure there will be thousand more corny headlines.
Make up your own, its fun.
Friday, October 5, 2007
twenty-forty year olds
Why do we try to hang out on to our youth? Why can't we just age grace fully? Why do I see so many twenty-forty year olds? "Bill, that is not a real age or even a real number?" It is though. you them in malls and night clubs all across America. Older folk who are just so stylish that they have to wear what the kids are wearing. Crows feet and off center screen print tees really don't go to that well together. Stop trying to relate to a younger generation that is ultimately going to be the end of you one way or another.
Bob Newhart
Today I went to a taping of a show on XM Radio called "Unmasked". It is hosted by the very funny Ron Bennington of the "Ron and Fez Show" and he interviewed Bob Newhart. It was very surreal to be that close to one of the first people I can remember watching on TV. He is a comedy legend and he is still very funny. He talked about Jack Benny being his favorite comedian and being on Carson.
I had no idea how popular his comedy albums were. At one point they were number 1 and 2 on the charts overall. That is insane. Comedy will never be like that again. He came up during the best years of comedy and it was an honor to be in the same room as a legend of his status.
I had no idea how popular his comedy albums were. At one point they were number 1 and 2 on the charts overall. That is insane. Comedy will never be like that again. He came up during the best years of comedy and it was an honor to be in the same room as a legend of his status.
Indians win
The Indians destroyed the Yankees tonight. Hopefully they will keep it up. C.C. looked a little shaky but he got the job done. I hate that Lebron is a Yankees fan. He cheers for the Yankees and the Cowboys. Will anyone be surprised when he leaves us for the Knicks or the Bulls?
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