I like to write TN instead Tennessee

I am in TN this week. Last night I was in Clarksville last night. There is an army base there and the show was fun. They bought me shots while I was on stage which I hate but I caved and did the shots. I was pretty drunk luckily I was close to the hotel and got back to my room safely. I then just called everyone in my cell phone. I am terrible drunk.

New Man in the Box

Hey Everyone

I got shows in Iowa this week. Next week I will be in Tennessee. My CD should be available to download online very very soon too so keep your eye peeled.

Check out this new episode of Man in the Box that I helped write.

Cd Recording

So on Otc 17th I am recording a cd in Lakewood, Oh at The Winchester. The event will be hosted by Stansbury from the Maxwell show. Also performing will be Jim Tews, Chad Zumock and Ryan Dalton.

Click the banner below to buy your tickets in advance because there is a chance it will sell out.

It is only 5 dollars and it starts at 8:30 pm

Cinci, BG, Cinci

So right now I am in the nasty nati. Cincinnati is a cool place. I did a Mitch Hedburg tribute on tuesday that was one of the highlights of my comedy career thus far.

Also about a week ago I won a comedy contest and the Grand Prize is a spot on Live at Gotham on Comedy Central in 2009.

I also found out that the HBO webseries I am a part of is now available to watch on Cinemax On Demand and they will be occasionally airing them between softcore porn at 2 am.

The past two nights I have been at the Funnybone on the Levee and I will be hear til sunday. Shows have been amazing.

I don't have many shows til Sept 30 when I am co-headlining Grumpy Dave's in Bowling Green.

After that I am back in cinci at Go Bananas Oct 23-26. So hope to see you at a show soon.

Laughter on Elm St

So on August 16 I am doing a show. A show where I am the headliner. I am excited for this show. it is going to be me on stage for a good 45 minutes to an  hour. I need a lot of support.

The show is in Kent, Oh at a bar called Checkers and Trophies. 

It costs $10 and it will be a lot of fun.

352 w Elm St

Kent, OH 44240

Also performing is the very funny Jim Tews.

I got an earing.

I am pretty proud of this episode.

Bill's Earring

Ladies be loving some tv

 Living with a woman can is very rewarding. I enjoy it on every level. I have made some peculiar observations about my woman that I think are very strange.

Lets start off simple. Televsion. A great invention that I use as an escape. I watch sports and movies to my mind of the fact that I have a huge amount of debt and a whole lot of inconsistent work. I watch the discovery channel a lot. My favorite show is mythbusters. I enjoy the science and it makes me feel smart even though most of the time I find myself completely zoned out of the science portion and am really just waiting for them to break or blow something up, which they usually do. 

My girl watches cooking shows, do it yourself home improvement shows, and reality shows that are as real as the fake breasts on the women in them. I have come to enjoy the cooking shows to a degree. My favs are throw down with that Irish guy and iron chef with that Irish guy. Paula Dean's shows are ok just cause the food looks so good that a single serving could cause a lifetime supply of calories. I don't like when she talks to her guests and makes them sing or tell uncomfortable stories. Mostly because I get worried that she is gonna burn the Donut Burgers. Rachel Ray is annoying. I find myself oddly attracted to her but I have a feeling her food doesn't taste as good as she pretends it does.

As far as the home improvement shows go I tend to find them close to unwatchable. Mostly because they make things look so easy with magic budgets appearing out of nowhere. I hate that shit. I wouldn't care about these shows if they didn't make people think that by watching them they could do the same stuff. Painting isn't bad, but anything beyond that is a pain in the ass. Especially when they tear down walls and do major additions. That shit is hard and I know they made it look easy on that half hour show but they don't show you actual labor just before and after because no one wants to watch a husband call his wife a "heartless cunt" because they accidentally put the new windows in backwards.

Finally the reality shows. My girl loves the Hills and The Girls Next Door and The Realhouse Wives of NYc and Orange County. I find her enjoyment of these shows so odd because she wouldn't want to be friends or even come in contact with these women at all in real life but she will follow their lives through scripted reality tv bullshit. The Hills bothers me the most because they have that show filmed like a movie. They are actors and are doing takes. Thats why they have shots of everyone from a million angles because they tell them what to say. People like that aren't that interesting in real life and I pray for illness to come to them.

I was once a slave and a slave owner.

When the topic of slavery comes up most people think of the Southern States using Africans as slaves. Some people might think of the Jews in Egypt. Through out all history there have been slaves and there will always be slaves. I say this as a former slave and a former slave owner. If you have an older brother or a younger brother then you know exactly what I am talking about. 

From the time I had the ability to understand spoken language I was a slave. I had two older brothers that would use me for their own personal slave. They needed the channel changed I was changing. I was the remote til I was about 8 and we got a cable box at which point I was used only for powering on the tv. If they needed a drink or a snack or a scapegoat I was their go to guy. I didn't even mind until I was old enough to realize that they weren't doing this because they liked me but because they were lazy. 

This went on until I was about 10 years old. Now I had a younger sister that I would have loved to use a slave but convincing her to do anything was harder than actually doing it. She had her own powers and those powers were an earsplitting scream and temper tantrums that could last months.  However I did have a younger brother who was getting to the point were he not only could understand what we told him, he felt he needed to be accepted. If it wasn't for that need to be liked and accepted by his older brothers then Steve or Dweeb as we called him probably would have never been so willing to fetch and clean and sacrifice just so his older brother wouldn't punch him in the arm. I was seven years older than Steve and despite my years of being threatened and beaten by my own brothers I never once thought that Steve didn't deserved to be given titty twisters if he wouldn't bring me Doritos.  Having a slave was glorious. Poor Steve though. He was the baby. The youngest child of five and he never had a little servant to threaten violence upon if his orders weren't followed. Where are his reparations?

I am a fan of...

Sex and the City. There I said it. I like the show. My girl got me into it. I went in thinking this is gonna suck but it didn't. I saw the movie and it was good. I am shocked that on rottentomatoes.com Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull has a better rating. I will admit there are some very cringy moments on the show but there are some genuinely funny ones. Like one of my favorites. Miranda is dating a jogger that keeps trying to get  her to toss his salad, and she freaks out and yells "I'm not doing that!" It made me laugh hard. 

The movie had some good moments as well. One of the most enjoyable part is that the characters are real and flawed. SPOILER ALERT: The best part of the movie is that Carrie and Big get married in a courthouse. Thus nailing the coffin shut on the big stupid wedding. Now women will see it is all about making a commitment not a dress and flowers. That stuff doesn't matter. 

Hopefully the next movie will concentrate on how important giving terrific head is.

Review: "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull"

SPOILER ALERT: These won't be spoilers as much as time savers. 

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

When I heard they were going to make this movie two years ago I wondered "Why?" . Why do this to such a great character? Why make him old and feeble? Well they didn't make him any older except in appearance. He was indestructable. Nothing can hurt this man. He survives a nuclear blast by hiding in a lead lined refrigerator. That is in the first twenty minutes. 

The plot of this movie is shitty at best. Soviet KGB Agents want a Crystal Skull to use for mind control. Turns out the Crystal Skull is an aliens skull and when it is reunited with its Crystal Skeleton in a hidden temple in the Amazon Rainforest it turns into a computer generated Alien that dissapoints. So there is the whole story. Along the way you meet Indiana Jones son Mutt but you don't know he is his son until much later unless you have foresight. Karen Allen returns as the happiest person to be in this movie. Every scene she is in her smile is ear to ear. She is thrilled that someone put her in a movie again. She isn't anything like her charachter from the first movie. 

Indians Jones the third played by Shia Lebeuoueuf is a worse casting job than that blonde in "Temple of Doom". He plays a greaser with smarts and the ability to swing from vines like Tarzan, and mind control over monkeys which he uses to attack the evil russians. He made a bad movie terrible.

So save your money people.

The Dark Knight and other summer movies.

The nerd in me is taking over. There is no reason to post this as a blog but I am just very excited for The Dark Knight this summer. Here is the latest preview.

I am also looking forward to Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

Then there is The Incredible Hulk starring Edward Norton. I was shocked to find out Edward Norton would do a comic book movie. The trailer looks good but thats the whole point of a trailer isn't?

How to be a dad: Fatherly advice from a person that shouldn't be a father

Being a parent is tough now a days. With all the drugs, sex, and pedophiles kids have a lot on their plate and are more stressed than ever. So every week I will give you a new tip on how to effectively raise your child to be the kind of person you wanted to be.

Tip #1: Showing kids who's the boss.

I know what you are thinking right off the bat but this isn't Family Guy so keep the Tony Danza references to your self. Anyway, with all the politically correct BULL SHIT over the past 20 years or so it has become ever so difficult to strike fear into a childs heart. You aren't supposed to hit them and they hardly understand most of the insults and swear words you use when yelling at them. 

However there are simple words they do understand like "Fault" and "Yours" and don't forget classics like "unwanted" and "mistake". 

Let me give you some examples of how we can use these words to deal with a child that is acting out.

Child: My belly hurts.

SuperDad: That's your fault.

Child: I puked on the carpet.

SuperDad: God Damn it! I never even wanted kids! You were a mistake.

Child: I'm sorry.

SuperDad: Sorry isn't going to change the fact that your mother is going to have to clean up a pile of puke when she gets home from work in 6 hours. 

Child: Wah! Wah! Wah!

The Child is now in tears and in their room out of sight and will soon be fast asleep as long as they didn't puke up the mickey you slipped em. Now you just sit back, relax, have some beers, and smoke some cigarettes to help cover up the smell of child vomit at the foot of the couch.

Til' Next Time 

SuperDad

Will Jones will get you into shape!

OH' Bama!

Last week Obama did the first thing that I have enjoyed this whole election. If you don't know the deal I will give you a lil rundown in my own words. He has a preacher that has talked about white people in an unkind racist way. Apparently you can't do that anymore so some one please tell Paul Mooney he has to be nice to us now. It is a sad time in America when Black people get in trouble for talking about White people. I haven't followed this that closely and I don't know exactly what the preacher said but I think it was something like Black people walk like this and White people walk like that and I am pretty sure that the Black preacher used a funny White guy voice that sounded similar Robert Carradine better known as Lewis in "Revenge of the Nerds" when he was talking about how White people talk to the police differently than African Americans. So White people got mad and accussed Barack Obama of being a racist because he knows some one that has said some silly shit about another race. So Barrack took it like a man. He went on TV and told the world "listen people say crap like this all the time and I think we should fix it blah blah blah." I watched the speech it was good and he actually challenged Americans to talk about race. It was like a special episode of "Growing Pains" where at the end of the episode they get out of charachter and talk about how important teen pregnancy is. I don't think they phrased it quite like that where they made a statement expressing their belief on the importance of teens being pregnant it was more like "Hi, I am Kirk Cameron and I play Mike Seaver on this horrendous 80's sitcom and we had a lot of fun tonight but teen pregnancy is no joke. Teen girls get pregnant all the time and a lot of them are Black (if I thought that anybody would read this I would leave that line out but come on, its the internet and I am so edgy, David Cross even said so in a dream I had about Arrested Development...I am really only edgy if you a stickler for the rules of grammar and punctuation) Girls so remember to practice safe sex and don't forget the safest way to avoid a situation like this is abstinence which shouldn't be a problem cause lets face it you are watching Growing Pains and the chances that you are getting any trim is highly unlikely."

Kirk Cameron is a really preachy douche but man what a Rascal. So Obama challenged the nation to step up and talk about race in order to figure out once and for all how much longer Whites can be the "MAN" and how much longer Blacks can be mad about Slavery. I am sure White people will be the "MAN" for at least 4 more years because I do not think Obama is going to pull this one out which is good for Black people because then they can stay mad at us for slavery that much longer. I actually think it is completely fair for Black people to stay mad about slavery until we have had our second Black President because I have a feeling whoever the first one is going to by no fault of his own set race relations back at least 30 years because there are just so many people that will be so super critical of the first Black President that he will be called a failure despite the fact that he was elected to perform miracles that he just couldn't fulfill. So then justly everyone will go back to hating just based on stereo types and other nonsensical forms of judgment and during those years I say Black people have all the right in the world to bitch about their ancestors being slaves.

There is a lesson to be learned from Mr. Obama, and that is that hate knows no bounds. Everyone hates somebody. Even God hates sinners according to my own scarce knowledge of the Bible. He hates sinners the same way I hate people that put toilet paper on the back of the seat instead of hanging it properly from the dispenser. I have no time for any human ( if you can even call them that) that just sets the toilet paper on the tank and expects that to be good enough. That is cruel and unforgiveable because if I am in a situation where I have to poop and there is and no toilet paper left on the role and I start to wonder if I am going to use a magazine, my sock, or my fiances good hand towels to wipe up what was once Chipotle and now resembles a rotten crabapple that has been smashed with one of those big red wiffle ball bats for 4 year old boys that can't hit the ball with the yellow bat cause its to thin and they don't know how to keep their stupid eye on the ball with out taking it literally and getting pelted time and time in their dumb little face because they think there supposed to get hit by a pitch instead of swinging the bat like I've shown them how to do countless times yet they still think the object of the game is to keep your eye on ball so it hits you in the face and you can cry and go inside and color a picture of Elmo and flush all your Uncles dreams of having a major leaguer in the family down the toilet cause....I don't know what happened with this post. I have gone on some odd tangents and now I have to poop which will be nice cause I know there is paper on the role because the lady love that I live with is a respectable human being.

Heartburn Insomnia

I have real bad heartburn right now which isn't from my heart at all it is actually from my stomach so I am unable to sleep and bored. Sometimes insomnia is a good thing like if you are trying to play a whole season of Madden in one night or if you decided to start working out the next you have an excuse not to because you got no sleep. 

I have already run out of things to say about what I thought was going to be an interesting topic. That is the problem with insomnia. You are tired and can't sleep and about as creative as made a for TV movie. Who still watches made for TV movies? I don't even know if they are good or not. How could they be worse than what is theaters? Maybe we are missing out on some really great films just because we don't feel like watching it for free? What if the best movie ever made was a Lifetime movie starring a former sitcom actress? Maybe some day Patricia Heaton will be the first woman to win best actor for her portrayal of Britney Spears' mom in the Lifetime Original Movie "Not that innocent: The Britney Spears Story"?  One thing is for sure I can enjoy a bad made for TV movie than a bad movie that was released in theaters because I didn't pay $9 to see Mathew McConeghy and Kate Hudson go scuba diving. 

Sleep

I love to sleep. I never get enough. Do you like sleep? Then what are your pillows named? Mine are Softy McSofterson and Sir James Alexander Huntington the third, arch Duke of Dreamland. I think of Sleep as one of my favorite hobbies. I write sleep poems. Roses are red violets are blue I like sleep snorrr ewwww. Sleep and I are even myspace friends. I leave Sleep glitter graphics that say things like "Wish I was with you right now" and "Smile! You're Sleep!"